Your Lover as a Mirror for Yourself

It is easy to blame difficulties or stresses in relationship on the shortcomings or oversights of your partner. By slightly altering your assessment of the situation from “my partner as source of the problem” to “my partner as a mirror of my own foibles”, you can move forward both personally and as a couple.

For instance, if Pala is feeling that the romance in our relationship is dwindling, she might rake Al up and down for his inattention and expect him to spice the mix up. Or, she can take an honest look at what her contribution has been to the hearts and flowers part of our life. Is she acting lovingly? Is she regularly giving him hugs and sweet kisses for no particular reason? Is she sending him sexy emails or erotic poems? Is she inviting him to a special rendezvous? If the answers are pretty much “no”, then it’s a good signal that she needs to take action to create the romance she wants.

Looking to yourself first to understand your part in a situation does not mean that you always have to make all the contributions. This is a practice for both partners and sometimes your lover may be slacking off! If Pala were to answer all her questions with a “yes” then it would be time to approach Al with her concerns, perhaps using a technique like the “Heart Talk”.

Next time you want to haul your lover over the coals, stop and ask yourself “What is this reflecting about me?” “Am I doing all I can to create the outcome I want?” Then consider specific behaviors.


  1. You feel that you have no time together. It seems like your partner is always working late, going out with friends, focusing on the kids’ events. Before you start complaining look carefully at what you spend your time doing. Do you set aside time for the two of you? Are you expecting your sweetheart to fit into your schedule? Is there something you can do to reduce your lover’s activity load?
  2. You feel that your lovemaking is too hurried. Somehow your lover always heads right for the ‘good stuff’ and it’s over before you know it. What are you doing to prolong your lovemaking? Are you taking the initiative to introduce new practices or techniques? Have you made suggestions about altering the time, place, or circumstances of your sexual connection?